This is something I've decided because I'm tired of being left out of the club. I used to be Goth (ask people on my friends list for pics or ask my uncle Dan), but I realized that being Goth is only a precursor to Emo, which even looks more superior because when a person is Emo, they can wear a few more colors than Goths.....but not many. Black is the standard. And black is just something we will wear until we've found a darker color.
Now that my confession is out of the way, there's just one problem: the thing is people, I don't know how to be Emo. I know how to spot an Emo kid in the dark (I should receive a reward for that), but I just don't know where to start being Emo, and where to end. How much is too emo? If I go too far over, will I become a drag queen? Maybe. Would that be better? For respect, sure, but not for too many other reasons.
Because this will most likely be the last time I'm social or expansive, I've decided to let you in on my journey to find out just what it takes to become EMO!
Step One: Hair.
This is the absolute most important part. Also, it takes the longest to grow, as opposed to losing enough weight to fit into my wife's kid sister's pants which could take years and dollars (both of which I don't have the patience to part with), so I'll start with hair. It has to be trained to hang over one eye, but not so much straight down as down and then over.
Like the shape of a banana turned to the left or right. This is only if you're a guy. Girls get to wear headbands or just tease their ends until they split.
Then dye comes and it has to be non-complimenting colors. Red and Plaid. Black and Clear. Blue and Indigo.
Of course, there are few modifications that can be made to the original outlines and still be considered emo. Take this pose, for example:
Step Two: gotta learn to slouch.
Posture is for pansies. And bad posture is for emo pansies! Count me in. For this constant posture you will need to know two things. The first is that the ribcage was, despite doctors' claims to the contrary, designed to poke through your back. Lungs should be at a 90 degree angle. The spinal cord should resemble a literal question mark. The shoulders, like two towers of pain, protrude forward. This is to keep people from hugging you.
The second thing you need to know is that the real reason for this stance is that one day you will find yourself at the foot of an open grave. It's much easier, and faster, to fall into one if you're already bent over in this "halfway there!" position. Remember, though. Not just any grave will do. It has to be unmarked. No one should ever be allowed to love you, even after your gone.
Step Three: Music.
This one is hard. I have to start learning to like bad music. I have this knack for liking well thought out music, perfectly orchestrated, and a bit more 'real' than Emo music. But, if life is pain, then I have to listen to this stuff. Going down the list of 10 essentials, I'll put the following: AFI, The Almost, Saves the Day, Hawthorne Heights, I AM GHOST, Senses Fail....you know what? That's enough. I'll make due. I mean, isn't being non-conformist part of the Emo motto? I'll just not conform to all Emo music. Here are pictures of bands:
They scream might and power! I am in awe. The word I'm really looking for is Numinous Awe. They are mighty amongst mere men!
Step Four: Piercing.
Ear piercing is so lame. It was cool for your old man, man, but nowadays we have to pierce our lips in order to be cool.
Which makes sense. If you are to be death obsessed, you might as well put a metal ring in your lip. The reason for this is metal, when exposed, attracts many bacteria. If you have a loop ring in your lip (say that five times fast) then you stand the chance of having said ring roll around to where the once exposed side is now inside your mouth all covered in bacteria. This is strength unheard of. Do you know of any kinds of people who are this hardcore? Tempting death in such a way as this?
Of course there is the stud lip ring, which looks like a metal tumor or wart, but everyone knows that real Emo kids wear the rings. Come to think of it, you could wear the rings on the lower lip and the stud on the upper. But that would just look like your nose expelled a metal booger and it's now stuck to your upper lip. The only thing that really needs to be on your upper lip is the saliva from your bisexual lover.
Step Five: Poetry.
Bands not saying what you feel? Try writing your own lyrics and dark poetry. Make no references to ravens as this is Goth territory.
Step Six: Clothes.
Emo kids have it rough. They get a bad name for wearing the kinds of clothes they do, but hey! They don't want to be oppressed by the tyranny of JCPenny, Macy's, Target, or T.J. Max. They have Hot Topic and that's all. How many choices do YOU have, consumer?!? You can buy Invader Zim products anywhere they sell'em, but the Emo kids HAVE to get them at Hot Topic. And what if they sell out of brand new GIR earrings or GIR body spray?
They have to set camp in front of the store and wait for the next shipment of Emo goods. Which could take MINUTES! How dare you judge, you judgmental judging people who like to pass judgment. The only thing emo people do buy at other stores is underwear. Which they get their moms to do, so don't even think of passing judgment. Mainly because some don't even wear underwear.
Try and buy clothing that reflects your outlook on life.
Since life is one big black abyss, wear black abysmal clothing, studded belts, gloves with the fingers cut out (this is to protect hands from truly touching anyone with the whole hand.
Life is like that. Keep people at just enough distance so as to not have your heart broken again, but still keep the promise of touch by exposing your fingers. Hey! shouldn't what I just said have gone under Step Five? Genius!!!), pants that are so tight, they're guaranteed to keep poultry fresh in 100 degree weather. Red is also an acceptable color, but to make it your main color is female Goth territory. More black than red? Good. More red than black? Goth. Got it? Skirts are okay for girls and pink is okay for guys, by the way. I know it's normally the other way around in your judgmental world!!!1
Step Seven: Kill Self.
Hooray! We're at the end of discovering just how I am to become Emo. I hope that you too will become Emo. But don't try and be my friend. I wouldn't want any human contact. This would mean doing painful things like looking at life through someone else's eyes, being appreciative for what I have, and thanking my parents for dishing out an astronomical amount of money on my super-cool clothing and accessories.
I'm going to go cry in a corner now. But before I go, remember that not all Emo kids cut themselves. Only the cool ones.